Why Acceptance is so Important
Posted on July 19, 2009
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At some time in our lives we are all challenged by adversity, whether it be stress, illness, pain, disability or a mental difficulty. We have to cope with whatever life throws at us and we vary enormously in our effectiveness in coping with our situations. How we cope determines to a great extent how effectively we manage our lives and how happy we are with the result. The greater our ability to be realistic and plan our future the more likely we are to be successful.
Many of the adverse situations we face involve one particular occurrence which is difficult to cope with, loss. When we have no pain we accept the situation without thinking how and when pain intrudes and limits our world we feel the loss. Pains can affect everyday activities such a sitting in a pub or restaurant, going shopping or getting the housework and gardening done. It can be difficult even to accept the gradual reduction in our physical capacity which follows getting older, but if severe pain problems force significant changes upon us we find the sudden limitation of normality hard to cope with.
Other losses we can suffer are loss of a relationship, death of a loved one, loss of job, loss of role in life, loss of income, loss of a part of the body and so a loss of our sense of self and self-esteem. Loss of some kind which leads to the single most disabling condition in the world, depression. When we are depressed we undergo a change in our brain chemistry which causes us to think negatively and to apply a continual negative bias to all our thinking and conclusions. This is important for its own sake in terms of our mental state but also because a high proportion of depressed people suffer a pain condition of some kind.
As we struggle to come to terms with our losses we can fall into depression and become hopeless and be unable to take the actions which would help us out of our situation and thereby alleviate our depression. This position may need cognitive therapy and/or antidepressant medication to start the process of a more realistic interpretation of our position and so begin to lift the negativity we have fallen into. If we do not become depressed we may react in another typical and natural way to our losses by fighting against them.
Many times have I heard patients say to me I’m not going to let the pain beat me as if it is a competition and the pain is just not going to get the upper hand. This is a common strategy as people try desperately to keep going in the face of adversity, continuing to the best of their ability to do the things they feel they need to. There is a big disadvantage here however. When the adversity is too great the costs of keeping going by fighting against the pain can become too high, leading to a downward spiral of pain, disability and depression.
This introduces the important concept of conflict, the conflict between our expected abilities and what we can in reality see our ability is. Aggressive feelings can be developed against our pain problems and towards the demanding world. Our relationships with others can develop a conflicting edge and we stick with our typical unhelpful behaviours, unable to generate new alternatives to attempt to solve our problems. A non-acceptance of our situation is at the root of this difficulty and we will be unable to move forward and generate new ideas until this is settled.
The idea of acceptance is important and should not be mixed up with resignation. In resignation we feel helpless and that we just have to accept everything, thinking that nothing much will change things for the better and we have to put up with the situation permanently in this way. This kind of very negative assessment of the problem will lead most likely towards depression and make it unlikely the person will take actions to get themselves out of their situation. It is undesirable to feel resignation and more functional to learn acceptance and so work at changing the future for the better.
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